Next weekend should prove to be one of
much hilarity and light-hearted shenanigans for the 50,000 firearms
enthusiasts who will pour into the David L. Lawrence Convention Center,
Downtown, for the National Rifle Association's 133rd annual convention.
There probably won't be this many white men packing heat in our city
since the 1918 Armistice Day parade.
Just because the NRA's soiree -- labeled "Freedom's Steel,"
a name disturbingly similar to the title of a Toby Keith album --
advertises "Acres of Guns" doesn't mean visitors have to get
all gloomy like shoppers at a Fallujah arms bazaar. Fun, someone once
said, is where you choose to make it. With this in mind, try these
side-splitting pranks, which are guaranteed to bring smiles to the faces
of even the most jaded death merchants.
Ask a gun seller whether he carries any weapons that shoot
rapid-fire cream pies. Explain that there's a particularly annoying
clown on your block who needs to be taken out. Say this while winking
every so often.
When trying on a new .44 magnum pistol for size, ask whether
there's a model available with a quart-capacity flask attached for
evenings out. Remind the seller of how "the only thing more fun
than shooting is drinking and shooting."
Dress up in a white sheet and pointed hood and carry a noose. Then
ask gun salesmen whether they have anything to "help create the
perfect matching ensemble."
Find the convention's organizers and demand to know why Dirty
Harry, Rambo and "that weird Moses guy" aren't appearing in
person this year.
Tell passers-by you're thinking of starting a street gang and need
information about the best kinds of guns and ammo to use for
drive-bys.
Set up a booth selling accidental death insurance policies and
grave markers. Offer a free cemetery plot with the purchase of any
assault rifle.
Skip places in the line of visitors waiting to enter the convention
center by insisting that you're mad as hell at that nosy mother-in-law
and need to get even, right now.
Get hold of the speaker phones connected to the public-address
system and shout "Hey everybody -- Bill and Hillary Clinton are
outside the building!" The stampede should last for hours.
Find a table specializing in the sort of teflon-coated bullets that
are capable of piercing bulletproof vests. Tell the seller you were
considering becoming a police officer until you saw them.
Mike Seate is a staff writer for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.
He can be reached at (412) 320-7845 or e-mail him at mseate@tribweb.com.
