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Teachers Should Pack in Case Students are Attacked

“Should properly trained and licensed teachers be allowed to carry guns into their classrooms?” That’s the $64k question being tossed around this week (once again) after Satan’s latest spawn, Asa Coon, stooge emeritus, decided to shoot up his Cleveland high school’s teachers and classmates this week. How about, yes teachers should be allowed to lock and load because not being able to doesn’t seem to be working.

As far as I’m concerned, a responsible and trained teacher should ab-so-frickin’-lutely be able to carry on campus. And none of this “concealed weapons” crap. I’m talking about visibly carrying their piece on their hip. And not just one but two massive nickel-plated S&W Model 29 .44 magnums with 7 1/2 inch barrels with bandoliers thrown around their shoulders, and next to their juicy apple and pencil jar on their desk they should have a mounted .50 cal. machine gun. You know…“just in case.”  

If that’s too much, I think, at least, all first year teachers should go through Jason Bourne-like weapons training and be issued a 9mm Glock upon signing their contract with a new school. Kind of a “Welcome to the Jungle, glad to have you” gift.

If I taught school, not only would I want to carry a gun into class in order to stop (please read kill) a pathetic punk who’s decided he’s going to mass murder twenty-three of his peers because two of them made fun of his chartreuse doo rag in his latest Facebook profile photo.

I’d also have on me for lesser offenses:

• An 8ft. bullwhip to peel the flesh from the backs of the multitudinous smarmy adolescent smart alecks

• Throwing knives for persistent cheaters

• Brass knuckles for the morons who call someone’s precious daughter a b*tch, slut or whore

• Concussion grenades to break up the bathroom orgies

• A night stick for the Boulder High School admin monkeys who tell students that ecstasy, weed and screwing everything that moves is okay. And lastly, I’d have…

• Desks that would flip backwards, dumping the student who just told me to f--- off into an underground water tank filled with sharks with lasers on their heads.

In short, my classsroom would look like Van Helsing’s house. No one would dare try anything. It would be the safest place on the planet. Parents would love it.

Yep, it seems as if the formerly nice and quaint public schools of yesteryear have officially come to resemble in character, intelligence, morality and safety our nation’s prison systems. Especially where I live in South Florida. Heck, they look and operate like jails. They’re ridiculously over-crowded with aspiring criminals sporting entitlement mentalities who are fueled on violence, disdain, sexual weirdness and Mountain Dew.

Then there’s the tasteless architecture of the school itself with its assiduously strewn barb wire, sprinkling of squad cars wedged up against the exit doors, and the soft, gentle pinging of metal detectors at the entrance. All of it screams jail to me. I say we might as well arm the guards, I mean, the teachers.

You know what’s weird? When I grew up in Texas we regularly brought our guns to school with us, especially during hunting season. And you know what else? We made fun of each other, we had rough days, and we got into fights. And no one…with weapons all around…ever brandished a gun and started strafing the crowd. If we had a problem we’d walk into a nearby alley and beat the snot out of each other. It was a beautiful thing. No guns. Just fists of fury. And usually after the scrap the combatants became compadres.

Also, back in the day, the teachers weren’t scared of us. They beat us. My coach, principle, choir and shop teacher would beat the white off my butt when I got out of line. No students went home and got their crack head uncle’s .25 auto and came back and shot the teachers and/or the students. But that day is long gone, and ever since we yanked corporal punishment and teacher terror out of the classroom room we’ve had a spike in dead students and faculty.

Finally, I’m a guessin’ that 99.9% of the parents who lost their children in the following wish that their child’s teacher had a gun in order to defend their now deceased child:

• Stockton massacre – Stockton, California, January 17, 1989

• University of Iowa shooting - Iowa City, Iowa, November 1, 1991

• Simon's Rock College of Bard shooting - Great Barrington, Massachusetts, December 14, 1992

• East Carter High School shooting - Grayson, Kentucky, January 18, 1993

• Richland High School shooting - Lynnville, Tennessee, November 15, 1995

• Frontier Junior High shooting - Moses Lake, Washington, February 2, 1996

• Pearl High School shooting, Pearl, Mississippi, October 1, 1997

• Heath High School shooting, West Paducah, Kentucky, December 1, 1997

• Jonesboro massacre - Jonesboro, Arkansas, March 24, 1998

• Thurston High School shooting - Springfield, Oregon, May 21, 1998

• Columbine High School massacre - near Littleton, Colorado, April 20, 1999

• Heritage High School shooting - Conyers, Georgia, May 20, 1999

• Santana High School - Santee, California, March 5, 2001

• Appalachian School of Law shooting - Grundy, Virginia, January 16, 2002

• Rocori High School shootings - Cold Spring, Minnesota, September 24, 2003

• Red Lake High School massacre - Red Lake, Minnesota, March 21, 2005

• Campbell County High School - Jacksboro, Tennessee, November 8, 2005

• Platte Canyon High School shooting - Bailey, Colorado, September 27, 2006

• Weston High School shooting, Cazenovia, Wisconsin September 29, 2006

• Amish school shooting - Nickel Mines, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, October 2, 2006

• Henry Foss High School - Tacoma, Washington, January 3, 2007

• Virginia Tech massacre - Blacksburg, Virginia, April 16, 2007

• SuccessTech Academy shooting - Cleveland, Ohio, October 10, 2007

We can’t afford to rely on chunky security guards with golf carts, pepper spray, whistles and plastic badges to safeguard against these armed little death dealing bastards from hell (I believe the security guard at SuccessTech was on vacation when Coon attempted to kill his mates).

The reality is that this stuff goes down when you least expect it, and as long as schools don’t have some armed teachers and faculty that have been properly trained and equipped to kill the post-pubescent perps, the more we will continue to carry innocent children out of their classrooms in black body bags. Call me weird, but in every school shooting there should be only one casualty, namely the gun wielding culprit who commenced the chaos, and not your bystanding book carrying kid.

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