By CHARLES DAVIS
Published Tuesday, February 3, 2004

Bored with its enemies list, and with Congress and the White House safely in line with its guns-and-butter world vision, the National Rifle Association is looking to hit the vast wasteland.

NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre recently told The Associated Press the NRA is looking to buy a television or radio station and declare it should be treated as a news organization, exempt from spending limits in the campaign finance law.

Sure. Why not? If Fox News can pull it off, why not the NRA? I’ll even offer a head start in the form of a can’t-miss programming guide.

I’d reject radio out of hand, though. Did I miss something, or is there a burning need for the pro-gun perspective not being served by the patriots of the AM dial? Fifteen minutes of an informal stroll down the spectrum will reveal a virtual smorgasbord of one-world-government conspirators, black helicopters and at least one caller absolutely convinced we’re one handgun bill away from Red Square.

Nah, radio is out, out, out. Let’s think big: cable TV, home of the A-List propagandist, the perfect space to rally gun owners. Think HDTV, big-screen, spilling plasma on the plasma screen!

No TV outfit worth its salt would wade into the hyper-competitive world of programming without its own logo and motto, though. The NRA already has a nifty logo, and the flag could furl and unfurl in the cable wind, just like the big boys. But the motto needs tweaking for TV.

NRA TV: You Shoot, We Decide? Armed Neighbor? NRA TV: Packing and Proud? NRA TV: You’ll Have to Pry the Remote From My Cold, Dead Fingers? We can get back to that. …

Attracting advertisers comes down to programming. A typical viewing could include these themed segments, all sure to drive ratings while building brand awareness among the lucrative armed-and-sedentary demographic.

5 p.m.: Quitting time, perfect for the network’s first news and commentary vehicle, "The They’re Trying to Take Our Guns Away NewsHour," anchored by a different House Republican nightly. We’ll leave no stone unturned in our journalistic quest to minimize the impact of gun violence, comb our Rolodex for sympathetic sources and impugn the patriotism of anyone who dares disagree with the rightness of our cause.

Oh, and we’ll do the news, too.

6 p.m.: Highbrow documentary time. Still searching for the perfect fit here, but the broad idea is to feature crime-busting grannies staring down an endless array of witless intruders stunned to find themselves picking buckshot out of their teeth. The video spinoff possibilities are endless. Suggested title: "Don’t Be a Spineless Victim!"

7 p.m.: The perfect time for a game show. We have a pilot in production of "Wheel of Handguns," in which contestants spin the chamber of a mocked-up revolver to win fabulous prizes, from silencers to sawed-off water shotguns for the kiddies.

8 p.m.: Our reality dating vehicle, "Happiness Is a Warm Gun," in which lonely but beautiful gun lovers compete in a series of SWAT training exercises to earn the affection of a mystery date. If it doesn’t work out, we can surely sell this to the other networks.

9 p.m.: Time for some collectibles: On "Gun Show Roadshow," the locals are in for quite a surprise when our experts tell them what the family heirloom Glock is worth on the street. On second thought, that’s exactly what happens at gun shows, so we’ll have to tweak that a tad.

10 p.m.: Back to reality TV with "Trading Weapons," a gun-improvement show in which two marksmen hobbyists exchange their favorite pieces. Our crew rolls up in a Hummer full of gadgetry, and the fun begins. Will Bobby Ray like the new pearl handles, or will he prefer blue steel to chrome? Does the banana clip make him look fat?

11 p.m.: No TV night is complete without style, and no one can accuse us of not having a bit of panache. In "Perp Walk on the Catwalk," our gun fashion mavens will dissect the weapons and accessories of real shooters arrested for real shootings, edited from the nightly newscasts of our rivals.

Imagine the possibilities: A young felon, splayed on the hood of a squad car, is disarmed while in the background, guest critic G. Gordon Liddy shouts, "A .22 Ruger? For a grocery store holdup after Labor Day? What was he thinking?"

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, Mr. LaPierre. I’ve got hours and hours of content, holiday specials, children’s shows and situational comedies. You are onto something here. I just hope the other networks don’t get there first.